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Ghost Prologue

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Ghost Prologue

Post by JPsUsername on Thu May 21, 2015 9:45 am

(This is the really short prologue to my potential novel that I wrote up after the last workshop. I don't think it's very good, but I can't think of how to improve it. People who read the first chapter, and people who did not, what do you think? Too vague? Too short? Not a good place to start? I really just can't figure out what I want with this prologue. Thanks, all!)


Ghost
Prologue

She could hear the voices from outside the door, out of time with the slow drip of the showerhead. One familiar and one new. There was always a new voice. She ground her fingernails into her palms, feeling a trickle of blood, before considering her reflection in the mirror. She ran her hand across her throat, smearing the blood. And she waited.

There was laughter outside. There often was. Just as often there was silence. She knew all she needed to do was wait. So she waited, more blood trickling.

At one point, a yelp of pain. She turned toward the door, just in time for a young man to stumble inside. “…sorry, so sorry, one sec.” The new voice. He was on his knees rifling through the cabinet, not looking at her. She moved closer. She reached for him.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” the other called from the other room. “Um, try the left drawer.”

“Right. Left. Got it.” He pulled out a Band-Aid box and stood up. He turned toward her, and ran through her, then stopped, looking startled. “Hey, Sawyer, your bathroom’s really drafty.” She turned to watch him go as he ran out.

She could wait.

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Re: Ghost Prologue

Post by crystallizes on Wed May 27, 2015 10:36 pm

Ooh it's really intriguing. Short, yes, but interesting enough that I would want to read more. I did have to read it twice though because I was confused the first time - I thought the two others were the ghosts at first.
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Re: Ghost Prologue

Post by Shawn Corwin on Thu May 28, 2015 10:24 pm

JP,

This is a very interesting start to your story. I'm thrilled that you did end up adding a prologue like we suggested at our last workshop. It will be very helpful for the story in the long run. Now since this is a really short prologue and I'm not sure if you have made other changes to the rest of the story or not, I'm going to do my very best not to make assumptions on whether or not this works. Instead I'm just going to put the kind of feeling that I get from these 6 lines of introduction.

First off, I think this prologue sets us up for a more serious story. Having a girl/ghost cut into her own hand and wipe the blood onto herself is something that lean more towards a horror genre in my mind. If this sort of darker and more serious mood is something that you are not going for, I would suggest a change or two even though I really enjoy the mood being set! You don't want to risk setting up the story for something and giving the reader something else.

Another thing that was brought up in the comments above me is the little bit of confusion in this section. I too thought that the girl was the human doing some weird stuff to summon ghosts rather than her being the ghost herself. There could be a few small things you could do in order to clear this up a little more.

Sorry for these comments being so short. I look forward to reading the second chapter on here in you are up for posting it! And also, thanks for posting your prologue here!

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Re: Ghost Prologue

Post by Drake Long on Sun Sep 06, 2015 1:05 pm

There isn't too much to read into (I know the basics of the rest of the story from the workshop but I'm judging just what's here) with just the prologue. It sets up the main point of the story, the titular ghost, well enough but until the other character walks through her there's a fair bit of confusion over whether she's actually a ghost--- after all she inflicts mortal pain on herself.

I think a more 'supernatural' way to set up her gruesome appearance would to describe her just willing the blood to appear on her throat. That would make it very clear that she isn't human anymore.

I don't have too much more to say--- post more chapters and I'll make sure to comment!

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